satscout.com

WordPress obviously doesn’t think I should be able to just post text without making things difficult. Like today. Okay, “yesterday” morning.

I’m putting this here as a reminder that sometimes I need a good kick to remember that, and why, I do not belong.

So we’re doing renovation of the audiovisual systems at church this summer. It’s a big project, a needed project. And the powers that be decided to have combined services in alternating venues, one week the Worship Center and the other the sanctuary, through July. It’s the first week in July, and we had services in the Worship Center.

It didn’t go well, for me at least.

You see, there is no worship guide printed for the contemporary services that take place in the Worship Center. At least in the sanctuary, we have something written down. In words. Black (or some other color) on white. As in something you can have light reflect off of, and read from. With no worship guide, one becomes dependent on words on screens. And so comes problem #1: The screens display the words in white text on a dark background. This renders them illegible. If they were dark text on a light background, they would be readily and easily legible. Light text on a dark background? A series of blobs because every. single. letter. has a huge halo around it, rendering it unable to be discerned.

Years ago when they switched from the old display system to the new one, they went with light text on a dark background. I brought up my concerns then and was readily dismissed. You see, apparently they think people prefer this. I tried to tell them many people, especially older people, would have a problem with this arrangement, and I begged to no avail to have them go back to dark text on a light background. Of course my pleas went unheard, and it usually isn’t an issue unless they don’t have the words to the songs on a piece of paper I can read.

Problem #2 stems from the fact that they don’t tell the choir ahead of time what songs are in the service unless we have 1) a rehearsal the prior Wednesday at which 2) we have available the next Sunday’s worship guide. Zero for zero since we’re only having rehearsals on the second and fourth Wednesdays in June and July. The only music we had print for was the packet of three prayer songs we are introducing in July and August, the first of which we debuted today. This meant flying blind in both senses: I was not told until the morning of what songs we were singing, and I had no way to get the words to them in a form I could read. It’s not enough to just tell me five minutes beforehand what songs we’re singing because I don’t have the entire repertoire of modern music memorized and at my fingertips. Being “able to sing” a particular song is useless if you don’t remember the words.

So… I spent most of the music part of the service in the old choir loft, carefully watching the orchestra director when he sometimes mouthed the words for my cues as to what was being sung. I probably looked like a lunatic. I certainly felt like one. As for the one song we had music for? The loft was dark while the “stage” area was lit “normally” as it would be for the worship band, with the worship band and orchestra having plenty of light and the choir loft… not so much. I had my music tilted in an effort to get enough light on it to read the new song.

After kind of making it through the music, I assumed the choir would leave the loft. Wrong – they all sat down. Yeah, I know it was crowded on the floor because of the combined services, but nobody said anything about staying in the loft, and I needed to get back to the choir room to be with my husband and son. So I left out the other side door and rode the elevator up to the second floor, went behind the balcony (at least they don’t hold Sunday school classes back there anymore now that they are set up as classrooms for the school) and to the choir room. We listened on the old system, where they have a dial to adjust Worship Center volume in the choir room.

Then came after. One of the things I do is organize the music breakfast. Today we had donuts – I think it may have been Krispy Kreme but I don’t remember for sure. They were plain glazed, three dozen. Somebody brought a casserole that categorized as sweet, the people who brought the donuts also brought a tray of pigs-in-a-blanket, and later someone else brought bagels and a quiche. I got everything mostly opened so they could be completely opened quickly at the end of the sermon to optimize throughput of people eating before second service. After the prayer, I got a bagel half with some cream cheese and a piece of the quiche. Then things went bad fast.

Did I mention that I had closed the blinds in the choir room to keep that nasty sunlight out so I could safely be in there? Well, I did. And it was fine until people came in. Two orchestra members immediately went to the windows, and over my protests, opened the blinds wide, claiming they were “cold” and that somehow justified streaming sunlight into what was previously a safe place. I retreated immediately, trying not to drop anything in my pain. I took my half-eaten bagel out to the hall and finished it, and one of the two who was opening the blinds followed me out into the hall, demanding that I give her a medical diagnosis to justify my asking them to keep the blinds closed. By then I was shaking, having been humiliated enough in the service and now after the service as well. I tried to tell her that I shouldn’t have to come up with some formal diagnosis I will never have to try to keep from the pain and danger involved with sunlight exposure, especially indoors where sunlight isn’t supposed to be. She turned and stalked off. I finished the bagel half, ducked back in long enough to throw away my plate and grab my jacket and bag, then went in search of my son. When he got out of the men’s room, we went home.

Further proof that the world would be better off with me not in it.

I should be dead.

I wish I were dead.

If I hadn’t promised I wouldn’t kill myself, I’d be trying.

But if someone else tried to kill me, I would not resist dying. I would welcome it.

But I’m not a person. I’m a thing. I don’t get to have desires.

As of this writing, we are a few days away from the November 2020 election. We shall see.

Masks are still a heavily debated topic. I can’t understand why. There is so much compelling data available about the dangers of extended mask use, I have no idea why people can’t see that continuing to advocate them is dangerous.

What’s worse, you have people who see it as a moral imperative. If you don’t wear a mask, you are somehow immoral. And if you can’t wear a mask, you have no excuse in their eyes and are somehow endangering them.

Nobody said logic has anything to do with any of this panic porn.

The condensed version of the dangers falls under a few categories:

1. Airflow: Wearing a mask for an extended period of time restricts airflow, making it harder to get oxygen IN and carbon dioxide OUT. Think what happens at high altitudes, squared.
2. Microbes:
   1. First, the corona is too small to be effectively stopped from entering you through anything but a mask specifically designed to prevent viruses. Normal “face coverings” of plain cloth give as much resistance as a chain link fence to a mosquito. Second, the moisture the virus rides on gets stuck to that chain link fence, resulting in you breathing in past the virus caught there (increasing YOUR load) and breathing out past that same virus caught there (increasing the load you send to OTHERS). Think breathing through a furnace filter that’s been in for three months. Yuck. So you aren’t impeding the virus’ passage, but the ones that stick to your mask are more easily transmitted and in higher concentrations. IF the virus is there to begin with, not to mention other bacteria/fungi/etc. that also ride the moisture, get caught in your mask, and have the same dynamics as above.
   2. When people actually get sick from the corona, the mortality usually isn’t due to corona but to things like bacterial pneumonia overlaid on someone whose immune system is already worn out from fighting a viral infection… the corona is the shock troops, and when your troops are out of ammo and supplies, the enemies’ allies come in and wipe you out.
3. Particulates: The masks aren’t invincible. If you wear a cloth covering, it WILL eventually fray, and those microparticulate fibers go guess where? Right, your lungs. And what happens when you breathe in particulate matter? Your body can’t remove it because it’s in dead end alveoli. Same problem smokers have with gunk, or asbestos workers had, or the “brown lung” and “Monday morning” sickness miners used to get before we realized how bad particulates were for breathing. So… wear masks day in and day out for months at a time, and not just health care workers but now EVERYBODY is ripe for particulates in their lungs, further impeding oxygen/carbon dioxide exchange and microbe trapping since your busy little immune cells are trying to wall off the foreign matter and invaders.
4. Improper use: Most people continually touch their face coverings, leave them only covering the mouth but not the nose “so they can breathe”, or do other behaviors that render the mask’s purported protective function useless.

It’s more complicated than just these concerns, of course.

But somehow the mask worshipers see the moral mandate of “just wear the damn mask already” as more important than protecting themselves and others from the documented mask dangers.

And don’t get me started on how the Powers That Be throttle information transmission about the same. You couldn’t post anything about hydroxychloroquine as a treatment (has to be in combination with zinc and an antibiotic) without getting your account taken down on social media, and articles about mask dangers get labelled “false” by the almighty leftist Fact Checkers who have set themselves up to be the arbiters of truth in a world where truth is what the PTB say it is and nothing else.

Welcome to Orwell’s 1984. The Double Plus Ungood Think is alive and well.

I am used to living in an insane world.

It is June 2020, and the world is going through a pandemic scare. Mass media peddle panic porn at an alarming rate, by design. Our city has come up with a mask mandate. For 60 days, you aren’t allowed to go out in public without wearing a face mask.

Of course this puts me in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. Don’t wear a mask, and risk fines/citations from some Karen snitching. Do, and pass out and/or die because I can’t pull air through a mask or any other face covering. Of course, dying would be the better option for ME, but that would strand my son (if we were out together) and make their lives quite inconvenient.

But I am used to this.

For example…

Growing up, I was usually in a similar double bind quandary. If someone else were to take and use or destroy something explicitly mine, it was “tough luck” and “fair use”. This included things like homework, unfortunately. But if I looked at something – not even consuming it, just looking at it – it was stealing and a punishable offense. Even and including if someone else decided to lay claim to an otherwise unassigned or unclaimed thing.

Tough luck, indeed. RIP me.

We shall see what further dumpster fire July 2020 brings.

Ah… I leave the site alone for a while and the whole world changes around me.

First – I get this notice that good old Chrome is forcing everybody to make https the standard and so we have to implement SSL or people will get nasty red alerts on their browsers saying to stay away from the site because it isn’t secure. Sigh. So someone offers free SSL and all you have to do is say yes, right?

Wrong.

It turns out it is very easy to screw up your site settings if you don’t know EXACTLY what you’re doing. At least my host was able to give me access back 🙂

So I won’t be adding SSL unless I have someone on the phone or chat walking me through it OR have them do the setting remotely so I don’t screw it up again.

Second – I find that things that bothered me sometimes bother me more the older I get.

Take manipulation for example. Anyone bothering to read this will have figured out by now that I believe the Bible and worship Jesus. I am a Christ-follower, a “Christian” in the same sense as they were first called.

So when someone tells me that my attempts to bring an issue to light so it can be discussed and cleared represent “a root of bitterness” that I personally need to forget and forgive them over instead of an offense that other person has committed that needs to be addressed… that’s manipulation. It’s basically saying I’m wrong, they’re right, go hang. And it totally shuts down communication. It is the other person saying they have absolutely no intention of setting things right, and my responsibility is to shut up and take whatever they choose to dish out. Oh, and if I even try to call them on it, my wrong has multiplied and I need to repent.

I have been dealing with people doing this to me for decades. Literally. First my family, then my husband. I can’t even reference something that happened in the past as an object lesson for avoiding present and future misery without being told that I need to get rid of bitterness. I’m not bitter. I’m practical. I don’t want to fall into a pit a second time when I don’t need to.

That’s actually the sentiment that prompted me to come back to the site and post… when I found out how bad I screwed up the SSL issue. So irritation can be a good thing sometimes 🙂

“Her smiles, her frowns, her ups, her downs
Are second nature to me now,
Like breathing out and breathing in…”

Henry Higgins (Rex Harrison), My Fair Lady

Except when breathing out and breathing in is NOT second nature. Like when you have asthma.

I was about 12 when I had my first severe asthma attack. We discovered just how allergic I am to menthol.

I was sick with something or other, and my “loving” parents thought they were doing me a favor by smearing Vicks Vapor Rub on me. This in spite of me screaming in pain, wheezing, coughing, and having to be held down spread eagled with one of each of them (mother/father/older brother/younger sister) holding down a limb. You would think they would get a clue. I don’t remember what happened, except I passed out, unable to breathe, and woke up several hours later with the windows to my room open and the nasty toxic stuff finally scraped off my chest.

Since then, I have had allergic-triggered and exercise-triggered asthma which I largely avoid by avoiding allergens and being not stupid about exercise.

I am allergic to a lot of things. I am allergic to bee stings, for example. One notable sting happened in the early Pennsylvania years when we were visiting someone with a grape arbor in the backyard. It swelled up to the size of an orange before I passed out. My left arm, I was told, looked like it had a grapefruit on it when the swelling reached its maximum. I have no memory of what happened after that. I only know that for years afterward I carried an EpiPen, particularly during my year at Temple Ambler, home of the Horticulture department and ergo home of the entire bee population of Southeastern Pennsylvania, or so it seemed.

We tried to treat my asthma with steroids early on after I had a job (and my own insurance). We discovered I don’t do well with steroids. I became hyperreactive to all the things I was normally reactive to, including what I term “everything green and growing” since just about every type of pollen and all cut plants cause some level of allergic reaction (yeah, mowing the lawn when I was a teenager was a real problem; I had to do only a quarter of the lawn at a time and cut over four days because I could handle neither the allergic exposure nor taking a red hot gas cap off the lawnmower to refill it). Unfortunately, the residual effect of that time with the steroids, which are supposed to be antiinflammatory but in my case obviously were aiding and abetting the inflammatory response, is that I can no longer tolerate any exposure to mint, menthol (which chemically is basically purified mint), or synthetic cinnamon. Think gum, toothpaste, hard candies, “red hots”, Altoids, just about anything with the Halls brand name on it since their #1 active ingredient is menthol, etc. Even less common things like cherry cough drops set me off. I itch, wheeze, and generally scare people. I’ve had enough allergic reactions over the years that my entire upper singing range is gone. I went from alto to second tenor, where I currently have about an octave and a half good left.

What more could one body have to go wrong? Stay tuned…

No discussion of my varied pathologies would be complete without covering arthritis.

Some years ago, my doctor gave it a bunch of adjectives, mainly because we don’t know what it is, where it came from, or what to do about it. He called it early onset familial degenerative osteoarthritis – osteo because I’m not rheumatoid factor positive, degenerative because I have worn down places where bone meets bone, familial because every female in my family has some form of arthritis, and early onset because the discussion where this name was come to happened when I was in my early 20’s.

I clack. I crunch. Back in the day, I would try to negotiate a stairwell – echo-y places, stairwells – and the sounds my joints would make would surprise people.

So I had arm pain recently and in late January 2017 saw an orthopod about it. He took pictures and surprise, surprise (not), there was joint narrowing. Of course there was joint narrowing. 25+ years of arthritis will do that to a person. He gave me a joint injection which did nothing; it was the subsequent admission to the hospital for something completely different that helped the pain by forcing IV fluid through places that had sealed down in crazy ways. But that’s another post.

I was already marginalized when I was young. I didn’t think much about it except it made it difficult to figure out what I was expected to do at any given time and then do it.

It takes three systems working in concert for a person to have good balance. Your inner ear semicircular canals, your sense of proprioception – being able to feel where you are in space, and visual clues all work together to help you find out where you are and determine where you need to go.

I remember when I was little, I would walk on a low curb as if it were a balance beam. If I made it all the way around one of those little “islands”, I felt good about myself. Kid type things, you know?

I have been walking with a cane for nearly 15 years now. I got the cane when I was forced to come to grips with the fact that I could no longer balance.

When I was little, I had a series of “earaches”, as my mother called them. Some were severe enough that I would scream in pain, but I could not hear myself screaming. They left me with damaged inner ears, as far as could be determined by what little medical examination I was allowed. Remember, I was never allowed to be alone with a medical professional, so I couldn’t elucidate my symptoms (not that I had the words to articulate them well at that point anyway).

It wasn’t until later that I began noticing that I would sometimes “aim and miss” when I tried to walk or reach for things. I had to be looking carefully at what I was aiming for, then use that information to judge how far or not to move items. This encompassed as simple as not bringing a glass up far enough for it to make it to my mouth (or a fork or spoon for that matter) or as complex as missing a step on the stairs because my foot simply didn’t go far enough or went too far.

What finally drove me to the cane was an incident on Easter weekend in 2002. I sing in the choir at church – back then I was an alto (further discussion of this when I post about allergies). We sang in the Good Friday service that weekend. What happened next makes no sense unless you understand the configuration of the building. I had gone from the choir room (second floor) down to the choir loft with no significant trouble; I was only holding my folder and nothing else. I had gone from the loft back up to the choir room after the service, again without significant trouble.

The building is configured in such a way that there is a room behind the balcony on the second floor, then a set of double doors to lead to the portion of the second floor on the right hand side of the building. So you envision – from the point of view of the second floor level, with the balcony of the main worship center being the “middle” – to the left on the second floor is a hallway leading to the music suite, including the choir room, “library”, and offices for the music ministry staff. The room behind the balcony leads to a hallway, then a set of double doors. Through those double doors lies the second floor rooms and the elevator.

Except the maintenance staff had already locked said double doors. And I had no way to get to the elevator. I couldn’t manage the stairs with my arms full, and I ended up butt-bumping down the staircase, crying the whole way. I was frustrated and embarrassed, and grateful nobody was watching me suffer.

The next day at Walmart, I got an adjustable cane. It took some trying (and advice from a PT friend on proper length) to get it usable. That first cane disappeared one time when I was at the store and I went to finish unloading the shopping cart to the trunk of my car… when I went to retrieve the cane from the cart, it had vanished. The second cane is the one I still have. It’s the exact same thing, just the replacement for the one that disappeared.

I still sing in the choir, although now I’m a second tenor. Allergic reactions have destroyed my upper range.

And walking has gotten more difficult with time because I now have lymphedema in my legs, left worse than right. That will get a post all its own eventually.

But balance has been and continues to be a significant issue, affecting almost everything I try to do.

Part of why I wanted evaluation for the urologic history is because I was having trouble sleeping.

I didn’t know when I prayed for God to resolve my enuresis that He would do so at the cost of being able to sleep soundly. You see, in order to wake up enough to go to the bathroom when the bladder filled – before triggering the automatic release – I would have to sleep very lightly. As in very lightly.

I have always been a night person. I function better at night. Heck, I’m writing this at almost 2:30 in the morning. My mind is clearest at night. I get very sleepy when I’m in the sun – and that indeed will be the subject of another post, as it relates to my medical history.

Even when I was small, I would lie awake for hours after being “put to bed”, staring at the walls, or the night light, or the books on my shelf that I wasn’t allowed to read after lights out.

I’ve worn glasses since I was in first grade, again about six years old. One of the things they would do to punish me if I did something they didn’t like was take my glasses away so I couldn’t read.

I land somewhere between biblioholic and hyperlexic, and I am indeed using the term hyperlexia properly. Most people know “biblioholics” love books. Fewer people know that hyperlexics have a compelling, undeniable, undefeatable urge to read which is actually a need to “decode”. I would get so desperate for the written word (I learned to read when I was three or four and never looked back) that if I didn’t have access to real books, I would devour fine print in magazines. I would read those tiny ads they used to run in the back of women’s general magazines. I would read publisher information in size 4 type. I would read just to be reading because it scratched the itch. I think that qualifies as hyperlexia.

But at night, after lights out, I wasn’t allowed to read. So I would stay awake until I finally drifted off to sleep, when my body would then proceed to betray me.

And once day broke, I would deal with the consequences.

One of the things I hated most about growing up was getting punished for going to the bathroom. Let me explain.

Anyone else who wanted to sleep in on a Saturday could do so without any problem. But if I tried to go to the bathroom then go back to bed – and get sleep while the sun was up, and it was easier – then I would get pounced on and they would say “You’re awake! Now you have to stay up.” I wasn’t allowed to go back to bed, and I was perpetually exhausted. So I would try to find ways to pee if I had to while staying in my room – a wastebasket lined with a plastic bag, which I would then dump out a window… or a large Ziploc, again dumped out a window… or who knows. Just anything to stay in my room with the door shut so I wouldn’t be pounced upon and made to stay awake when I was so very tired.

It didn’t matter of course that I was trying to contain urine because I was already wet at that point. But I didn’t want them to be able to say I was ever doing it consciously, ever.

All in all, it was very difficult growing up in that kind of situation.

When I was evaluated as an adult, after much trial, I was eventually evaluated for and diagnosed with sleep apnea via polysomnogram. I also underwent a multiple sleep latency test to evaluate for narcolepsy since I spent every day exhausted. I didn’t have narcolepsy, but I did indeed have apnea, so I was issued a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine, which I still use.

Of course, apnea was never the main or original problem, but it became the most treatable problem.

Most people with sleep apnea are assumed to have as their main pathology an airway that closes while they try to sleep. They then wake in microbursts just enough to resume breathing, then fall asleep again. This disruption of sleep causes the exhaustion untreated sleep apnea patients experience. This intermittent airway closure also often causes snoring. Many sleep apnea patients get evaluated because their spouses or partners get tired of the snoring and insist they be seen.

I just wanted to be able to sleep.

It didn’t help that at that time, transcription at the hospital level was a “during the business day” kind of job and not the 24 hour industry it is now. I began working at East Cooper in 1994. Back then, many of our systems were either local – we typed documents in WordPerfect and saved them to a database – or self contained, such as our radiology, which had its own hardwired interface. I had to be at the job during the day in order to complete dictated reports during the day when they were needed.

Then I got pregnant – definitely another post, because there was a whole medical saga leading up to that – and in 2000, with all the Y2K computer compliance stuff, suddenly transcription became internet-based, and I became able to work from home, which was necessary with a newborn. My son and his medical issues are another story, which I may or may not reference here as it applies.

But sleep never got easier for me. I currently run my CPAP at over 15 cm H2O (the standard pressure measurement for CPAP is in centimeters of water, a unit many are unfamiliar with, even if they have heard of millimeters of mercury or mm Hg). Yes, that’s a high pressure. But it means when I lie down, I can breathe. And whenever I lie down, even if it isn’t for very long, I put on the CPAP because, well, I kind of like breathing. It’s compatible with life, and not breathing, isn’t.

I have spent the last 30 years wishing to sleep and not being able to.

That’s a very long time.

Might as well start with the big one.

If I’m going to catalogue medical problems, I’d better start with the stuff that was present in childhood and either continued on, or affected things greatly.

The elephant in the room. The thing that’s there, and “everyone” knows it, but you just don’t talk about it.

My existence for the first decade and a half plus of my life was the family embarrassment. I put a damper on anything they wanted to do. I have parents, an older brother, and a younger sister. I cramped their style.

You see, from as long as I could remember until the fall of my senior year of high school, I experienced nightly enuresis. In common parlance, I wet the bed. Consistently, every night.

I had zero control over this phenomenon, but was told on a regular basis that I was doing it consciously and I had to simply decide not to do it anymore.

By now anyone reading this should begin to understand the kind of damage that sort of talk was doing.

I still carry a lot of baggage from my childhood, stuff I will probably never really come to peace with. One of the biggest is the fact that I was always cast as a liar. It didn’t matter what kind of proof I could present to verify anything I said. It was assumed I was lying until someone else independently proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was not.

I was very scrupulous not to lie when I was growing up. My existence was too confusing. You see, in order to effectively lie, you have to be able to have a clear image of the truth in your mind, then formulate a clear image of something “not” that truth, then consciously choose to present that “not truth” as truth.

I can’t do any of that.

I had enough trouble just trying to figure out what was real and what was not. I didn’t have any brain cells left over to consciously lie.

That didn’t stop folks from accusing though, particularly my sister. Thank God she grew up. She’s okay now that we’re adults. But when we were little, she was a momma’s girl and a total brat. Anything she said was taken as gospel, whether it was true or not. She got away with anything she did, and all she had to do to get sympathy was accuse me of something. It didn’t matter what, though the bigger the accusation and the more trouble I got in, the more she could get away with.

But that’s another post.

I was six when I first learned to do laundry. That was because I was told that if I was going to choose to wet the bed, I was going to clean up after it. So every day, I took my sheets, my blanket, my bedclothes, and any clothes I had worn the day before, and put them all in the washer – or with help at first because I was too short. Eventually I did it all on my own. I was then responsible for getting it all in the dryer – again with help at first until I was tall enough – and getting it out of the dryer, then getting my bed made, every day. You see, I was much older before I discovered that when other people said “making the bed”, they were really talking about straightening out the sheets on a bed already made. To me, “making the bed” literally meant starting from the fitted sheet and going on up. I had to “make my bed” every single day.

I was forbidden to discuss this “family secret” with anyone outside the family. From the time I was old enough to suspect something might be medically wrong, I tried to ask a health care professional about the matter, but I was kept under strict guard. I was never left alone with a medical professional, not even a school nurse, long enough to ask the question, even as a hypothetical one.

You see, it was embarrassing. For them. Not as much for me – I myself didn’t matter – but they didn’t want word getting out that I was experiencing this, because it would embarrass the family.

So it wasn’t until I was grown and working my first job (after leaving graduate school, again another post) that I eventually had medical evaluation.

But first, someone is probably wondering, if you are a functional adult now, then how and when did it stop?

I mentioned before that I am a devout Christian. I got saved – accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior – when I was in fifth grade. I prayed a long time about God curing this problem, but it wasn’t until I got to be a high school senior that I got desperate.

I had the opportunity to go with a group from my high school down from Pennsylvania, where we were living at the time, to South Carolina to visit Bob Jones University for a high school fine arts competition and preaching conference. Several of my classmates were going, and I wanted to go – but could not, as long as my problem persisted. So I prayed. And prayed. And God was gracious and relented, and at first I had no idea the price I would pay for exchanging daily enuresis.

I did indeed get to go to BJU for the festival. When I graduated high school, I had been awarded a scholarship to Temple University (I graduated as valedictorian of the class of 1987). So my parents and I fought. I knew God wanted me at BJU. I knew just as well that we didn’t have the resources for me to go there. So I put up with Temple for a year. It was the worst decision I have ever made. It’s not a good idea to fight God. And it screwed me up royally academically.

After a series of events (again, perhaps a future post), I did finally end up at BJU, and graduated in 1991 with a B.S. in premedicine with a chemistry emphasis. I moved to Charleston to begin graduate school at the Medical University of South Carolina College of Medicine, as my dream had always been to become a family doctor and go find a small town to set up a shingle in.

Of course, God had other plans.

In 1994 I left school and started work as a medical transcriptionist at (then) East Cooper Community Hospital. When I finally had insurance and access to competent doctors… I could gauge many of them by the way they dictated their reports… I was finally, for the first time in my life, evaluated by a urologist. This should have happened back when I was a child, but never did.

One of the things we discovered is that I have aberrant anatomy. This should have been a warning sign, but I didn’t see it at the time.

*Warning, medically explicit/graphic comments ahead, read at your own risk*

Most females have a urethra (the tube that leads from the bladder to the outside world) that comes out somewhere in the region of the base of the clitoris, which is a structure analogous to the male penis. In the male, the urethra travels the length of the penis before it comes out at the tip. In the female, it comes out in the general region of the clitoris for most people.

Of course, mine is different…

We found that my urethra comes out in the left vaginal side wall. This is pretty important to know, so I can warn anyone trying to catheterize me in future that they aren’t going to find the opening where it “should” be.

It also means that most of the sphincter and supporting muscle structure that should surround it, doesn’t.

Which means, that no matter what they said when I was little, it really wasn’t my fault, nor was it my choice. When I fell asleep and the pelvic musculature relaxed, there was nothing preventing the bladder from emptying whenever it got full, whether I was conscious of it or not.

And this could have been discovered when I was just a little kid, had they only taken me for even a cursory examination by a physician. Even a competent general physician would have been able to tell my urethra was anatomically in the wrong place.

But with the lack of enuresis came a steep price, one I was to discover would be quite difficult to pay.

These posts begin in the context of the present. Today is March 3, 2017. I was admitted to the hospital February 9 with a high fever and severe pain in my hips and back to the point where I just wanted to die rather than continue with the level of pain. Given my history, my medications, and my rather high pain tolerance level, this is significant.

The next day, it was discovered that I had cellulitis in my left leg. Again. You see, this is the second time I have had cellulitis in that leg, the first being December 2014. Yeah, almost a year after my previous post, the one I put up in response to a friend’s comments stemming from ultra-Judaistic “Christianity”. The New Testament was necessary to complete an “imperfect” i.e. incomplete Old Testament whose purpose was to point humanity to Jesus.

Oh yes. I should mention for anyone reading this in the future for the first time, I am a Christian and have been for many years. I’m probably not nearly as mature as I should be. Or hope to be.

God created the human body. He created something so marvelous that to study it should at times evoke a sense of worship – not of the creation but the Creator.

But with sin in the world, things go wrong with the human body. Illness, disease (two different things, that), malfunction, dysfunction (again, two different things)… after a while you just get tired of it all.

I have had many many things go wrong with my body, and I’ve spent countless hours trying to puzzle them out, to make some little sense of it all.

There is a maxim in medicine they call Occam’s Razor. It means, the explanation that covers the most known facts/details about a case is the most likely true one. When you have multiple things going wrong, if there exists an explanation that covers most or all of them, it is the most likely correct one over several explanations that only cover parts but not the whole.

I’ve been hoping for and failing to find my Occam’s Razor, my explanation to fit my facts, not just mine but that of family history as well.

So now begins the sorting of information, laying out what I know piece by piece, to see what can be derived from what we know.

Once upon a time, the internet was young.

You had dot com, dot net, and dot org to choose from if you wanted a domain name – unless you were dot gov, dot mil, or dot edu.

I once held satscout dot com, dot net, and dot org, but gave up two of them because I didn’t have the money to keep them. Pity.

As far as I know, I’m the only Satscout out here in the wild, wild west internet.

That aside, I’ve held onto this little corner of the web for a while now and done little with it.

So I decided, in light of recent events, to document some of my medical history here. I doubt many if any will ever read it, but if I put it out here, maybe someday someone will solve the “mystery that is me”.

And without further adieu… let us begin.

I have a brother in Christ whom I care for and respect. We recently got into a discussion about the nature of the Old Testament; his position is that it is perfect and sufficient in an of itself – mine that without the New Testament, the Old Testament is incomplete and imperfect. As we are both believers, this isn’t a question of whether one of us is in error and needs to repent and be saved. It is, I think, a question of semantics: We are seeing the truth from different angles, and those angles can and should be clarified and reconciled.

The first step, therefore, is to define our terms. I had said in one of my followup posts that there were different ways of using the word “perfect”, and that the Old Testament is “perfect” in some definitions but not in others. The definitions (copied from dictionary.reference.com) by which the Old Testament is most assuredly perfect include

• conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type
• exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose
• entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings
• accurate, exact, or correct in every detail
• pure or unmixed
• expert; accomplished; proficient

The definitions by which the Old Testament – from the temporal perspective of our side of the Cross and Jesus’ sacrificial atonement for sin – cannot be said to be “perfect”, are these:

• excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement
• thorough; complete; utter
• unqualified; absolute

In grammar, there is an interesting way of seeing the word “perfect”: noting an action or state brought to a close prior to some temporal point of reference, in contrast to imperfect or incomplete action. The important qualifier here, and the crux of the disagreement, in my opinion, is the temporal point of reference.

Similarly, there is the concept of being “complete”. The Old Testament is to a degree complete:

• finished; ended; concluded
• having all the required or customary characteristics, skills, or the like; consummate; perfect in kind or quality

But it is at the same time not “complete” from the perspective of this side of the Cross:

• having all parts or elements; lacking nothing; whole; entire; full
• thorough; entire; total; undivided, uncompromised, or unmodified

Or again from a grammar perspective: having all modifying or complementary elements included.

I made two additional complementary statements: first, that the Old Testament saints were aware that the Old Testament was “incomplete”, and second, that the promised Messiah would bring and be the completion that was missing.

God made the original covenants. God chose when and where to make a new covenant that replaced the old. Some covenants, like the one with Abraham, were unconditional – He promised that the whole world would be blessed through his offspring (Gen. 22:18). Some were conditional; much of the blessing promised to the nation of Israel within the Mosaic Covenant was only available if they obeyed. In every case, God was the mediator, and He was the one who set the terms.

Deuteronomy 18:15-19 reads “The LORD your God will raise up for you a prophet like me from among you, from your fellow Israelites. You must listen to him. For this is what you asked of the LORD your God at Horeb on the day of the assembly when you said ‘Let us not hear the voice of the LORD our God nor see this great fire anymore, or we will die.’ The LORD said to me, ‘What they say is good. I will raise up for them a prophet like you from among their fellow Israelites, and I will put my words in his mouth. He will tell them everything I command him. I myself will call to account anyone who does not listen to my words that the prophet speaks in my name.’” Moses himself recognized that one would come whose words would supersede his. In Acts 3, Peter identifies this future prophet as being Jesus.

Jesus really got on the nerves of the Jewish religious leaders. He was pretty equal opportunity about offending them – Pharisees, Sadducees, priests, you name it, at one point or another, Jesus called them out for being all about the show and not about the substance. That was the crux of the need for a new covenant. Because the people God entrusted with His Law were in large part not obeying it, He called for something new. The old was a shadow of the things to come.

The book of Hebrews goes into a lot of detail about the old covenant being a shadow of the new. Chapter 8 quotes Jeremiah 31 by saying “The days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the people of Israel and with the people of Judah. It will not be like the covenant I made with their ancestors when I took them by the hand to lead them out of Egypt, because they did not remain faithful to my covenant, and I turned away from them, declares the Lord. This is the covenant I will establish with the people of Israel after that time, declares the Lord. I will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. No longer will they teach their neighbor, or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’ because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.” (vs. 31-34). Hebrews 8 identifies Jesus as the high priest of the new covenant, and while verse 6 says that the new covenant is superior, verse 13 says “By calling this covenant ‘new’, he has made the first one obsolete; and what is outdated and obsolete will soon disappear.”

Chapter 9 goes on to describe Jesus’ sacrifice as being the once for all atonement for our sin – to seal the deal, as it were, by “purifying” the realities in heaven of which the old covenant trappings were but copies and shadows. Chapter 10 goes on to say that the law is the shadow, not the reality, and that Jesus’ sacrifice cleanses sin once and for all. The latter part of chapter 10 is a warning – that those who are the recipients of the grace of God for salvation need to cling to it and not reject it. One who turns back from grace to the bondage of the law has “trampled the Son of God underfoot [and] treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace” (verse 29). The call to perseverance in chapter 10 is followed by the “roll call of faith” in Hebrews 11 – all of whom were “still living in faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth” (verse 13).

Jesus himself said that He had come not to abolish the law but to fulfill it (Matthew 5:17). He even did things like get baptized (to the offense and annoyance of the Jewish leaders) in order to “fulfill all righteousness” (Matthew 3:15). When Jesus declared “It is finished!” on the cross, He was saying that the old covenant had been perfectly fulfilled and He had mediated the new one.

At the Jerusalem Council in Acts 15, James quotes Amos 9:11-12, using it as a proof text that the Gentiles would become believers in God. But when they come, they weren’t becoming Jews. They were still Gentiles, not bound by Jewish customs. The fact that the Moses was being preached in the synagogues meant that these Gentile believers would be trying to get along with Jewish believers who still held to the customs including the vows, the sabbath, etc. In an attempt to foster peace between the groups, and to stop the ones who said the Gentiles would have to follow the Mosaic Law, they came up with the four rules of thumb that would make them minimally more acceptable: don’t get tangled up with idols by eating meat that has been sacrificed to them; don’t eat meat with blood in it; don’t eat meat from strangled animals; and keep away from sexual immorality. The Pauline letters go into far greater detail as to how these details and others were to be worked out in the churches. Nowhere do they say that the old covenant was a requirement for the Gentiles. And even the Jews who became believers were free to stop following the Jewish customs. The first and most glaring example was Peter, who would associate with Gentiles even though Jewish custom said they were not allowed to because Gentiles were “unclean”. When he started shying away from the Gentiles because he was trying not to offend the Jews (not necessarily Jewish believers), Paul called him out on it.

I deliberately kept Paul out of much of this discussion because I didn’t want to base my reasoning solely on his interpretations, as good as they are. Even Peter acknowledged that Paul’s letters counted as scripture (2 Peter 3:15-16) and that Paul wrote with “the wisdom God gave him”. There is ample evidence, however, outside of what Paul wrote to support the idea that God used the new covenant to supersede the old, and that He made it known even before the Messiah came that it would happen that way.