I was already marginalized when I was young. I didn’t think much about it except it made it difficult to figure out what I was expected to do at any given time and then do it.
It takes three systems working in concert for a person to have good balance. Your inner ear semicircular canals, your sense of proprioception – being able to feel where you are in space, and visual clues all work together to help you find out where you are and determine where you need to go.
I remember when I was little, I would walk on a low curb as if it were a balance beam. If I made it all the way around one of those little “islands”, I felt good about myself. Kid type things, you know?
I have been walking with a cane for nearly 15 years now. I got the cane when I was forced to come to grips with the fact that I could no longer balance.
When I was little, I had a series of “earaches”, as my mother called them. Some were severe enough that I would scream in pain, but I could not hear myself screaming. They left me with damaged inner ears, as far as could be determined by what little medical examination I was allowed. Remember, I was never allowed to be alone with a medical professional, so I couldn’t elucidate my symptoms (not that I had the words to articulate them well at that point anyway).
It wasn’t until later that I began noticing that I would sometimes “aim and miss” when I tried to walk or reach for things. I had to be looking carefully at what I was aiming for, then use that information to judge how far or not to move items. This encompassed as simple as not bringing a glass up far enough for it to make it to my mouth (or a fork or spoon for that matter) or as complex as missing a step on the stairs because my foot simply didn’t go far enough or went too far.
What finally drove me to the cane was an incident on Easter weekend in 2002. I sing in the choir at church – back then I was an alto (further discussion of this when I post about allergies). We sang in the Good Friday service that weekend. What happened next makes no sense unless you understand the configuration of the building. I had gone from the choir room (second floor) down to the choir loft with no significant trouble; I was only holding my folder and nothing else. I had gone from the loft back up to the choir room after the service, again without significant trouble.
The building is configured in such a way that there is a room behind the balcony on the second floor, then a set of double doors to lead to the portion of the second floor on the right hand side of the building. So you envision – from the point of view of the second floor level, with the balcony of the main worship center being the “middle” – to the left on the second floor is a hallway leading to the music suite, including the choir room, “library”, and offices for the music ministry staff. The room behind the balcony leads to a hallway, then a set of double doors. Through those double doors lies the second floor rooms and the elevator.
Except the maintenance staff had already locked said double doors. And I had no way to get to the elevator. I couldn’t manage the stairs with my arms full, and I ended up butt-bumping down the staircase, crying the whole way. I was frustrated and embarrassed, and grateful nobody was watching me suffer.
The next day at Walmart, I got an adjustable cane. It took some trying (and advice from a PT friend on proper length) to get it usable. That first cane disappeared one time when I was at the store and I went to finish unloading the shopping cart to the trunk of my car… when I went to retrieve the cane from the cart, it had vanished. The second cane is the one I still have. It’s the exact same thing, just the replacement for the one that disappeared.
I still sing in the choir, although now I’m a second tenor. Allergic reactions have destroyed my upper range.
And walking has gotten more difficult with time because I now have lymphedema in my legs, left worse than right. That will get a post all its own eventually.
But balance has been and continues to be a significant issue, affecting almost everything I try to do.